I Have Decided

You know when you make a decision and then the opposite happens? Like you decide "No, I don't want to carry my umbrella today" ... and it pours. Or you decide to order the spicy chicken sandwich but then the burger looks way more appetizing? Why is that?

It's as if God decides to have some fun with you and see how you'll react. "What will be it today? Tears? Laughter? Throwing dishes?" "Will she pout like a kid or suck it up?"

Yesterday, right when I decided to be so happy about something, to be truly and peacefully content - the figurative chair was pulled from under me so I went fumbling to the ground again.

It's just so ironic I can't stand it.

I've been reading this book called the "Context of Holiness." It's about how whatever we're dealt in life is the context we have to use to become a saint. Well this is mine. I don't bounce back well. I don't like change. I sometimes have a hard time being optimistic. And figurative chairs and rugs are constantly being pulled out from under me. Not fun.

When I decide something, virtue means sticking to it when you're tested. I can still be content - just with a lot more effort. A lot.

Funny ... that's how you become a better person too. At least that's the way I've been given. What about  you?

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Good, better, best

How am I worthy of the way people love me? Can I ever truly be worthy, or thankful enough? My room-mate brought me these roses tonight along with a pint of ice cream. And what did I do to deserve them? Oh just fall apart, that's all. I was a mess.

Today was turning out to be so great, I really felt like I was managing to bring joy to a lot of people around me. I made an extra effort at work to be amiable and approachable and loving. We packed LS boxes and I stood for hours outside in the heat, and I hardly complained. I'm not trying to make myself look good, just trying to point out that it was a good day because I was really not focused on myself and I was ok enough inside to be outwardly giving to those around me. (which ideally I would be that way all the time - not so easy)

And I even was affirmed today at work on my writing skills, which is one of my top love languages so that was great.

Then I get in my car to drive home and it's shaking worse than a vibrating chair. I couldn't believe my luck since I just put a lot of money into it a couple weeks ago. I was afraid it was going to explode in the couple minutes it takes me to drive home. I was miserable. I am facing debt, a ministry salary and now a broken down old car which I'm sick and tired of putting money into.

Plenty of sobbing and cursing (yes, when I'm angry I'll curse, I'm sorry, I'm working on it. Not a saint yet.) later I'm given these flowers to make things better - the best really.

How do I look at that episode and be thankful for it? How do you say, "wow, this sucks, but thanks God for giving me struggles, thanks for allowing me to feel alone and low. Thanks for the cross tailored to my shoulders."

I wish I could've said that. Instead I sounded something like, "THANKS. This day was just too good huh? that you had to go and bring me down, let's not let Christina be too happy for too long, oh noooo."

Again, if you thought I was holy, illusion busted. I'm real with God, and we work from there.

Humility is the only way to see all this. My life is not my own. Whatever happens isn't up to me, the only thing I can do is make the best of what comes and give it all over to God. No matter how bad my day, or how unworthy I am of someone's love, it's all His and he makes good.

So really, when I was affirmed at work - only the good part of my day because it was self-promoting.

The car  -an even better part of the day because I had to throw myself into Christ's arms and trust we're under the cross together.

And the best? The love of friends which is the embodiment of Christ's merciful, forgiving and unconditional love.

Such an emotional roller coaster - I am a woman after all.




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