What is Faith?

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." - C.S. Lewis

Today I woke up at 9:15. I'm expected to be at work at 9, and I usually go to 8:30 Mass - so clearly my whole morning schedule was shot. At least I was super refreshed after sleeping in an extra 2 hours. 


You know that moment when you wake up so happy, content, and peaceful . . . I love that. And then you remember something that's heavy on your heart, or that you're already late for work . . . and that's the last second of sheer bliss you get until you wake up the next day. 


So that was a tangent that didn't really have a point.


Isn't that quote pretty awesome? I think C.S. Lewis was talking about women. I believe that quote defines really well what mature faith is - to continue to believe what is true when your emotions don't confirm it, or when they rebel against it. It's saying, "Okay God, I choose to trust you" when everything appears to be shot to hell.

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This made me cry a little...

"Thank you, every woman, for the simple fact of being a woman! Through the insight which is so much a part of your womanhood you enrich the world's understanding and help to make human relations more honest and authentic...

Necessary emphasis should be placed on the 'genius of women,' not only by considering great and famous women of the past or present, but also those ordinary women who reveal the gift of their womanhood by placing themselves at the service of others in their everyday lives. For in giving themselves to others each day women fulfill their deepest vocation. Perhaps more than men, women acknowledge the person, because they see persons with their hearts. 

They see them independently of various ideological or political systems. They see others in their greatness and limitations; they try to go out to them and help them. 

In this way the basic plan of the Creator takes flesh in the history of humanity and there is constantly revealed, in the variety of vocations, that beauty-not merely physical, but above all spiritual-which God bestowed from the very beginning on all, and in a particular way on women." 

- Blessed John Paul II, Letter to Women

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Funny isn't it?

Tonight I ran to the Catholic Church that's close by, St. Tims, which has an adoration chapel. It was wonderful. Both parts. I decided that Jesus is absolutely the most motivating and rewarding finish line ever. Which actually applies to life in general as well!

One of the things that hit me while I was there was how God works in my life. You know, often I think how awesome it would be if God worked some crazy miracle in my life. I can't help but want some big explosion of grace and power to prove God's existence and love to others.

But that's not how it goes - at least in my life, and i think it's safe to say most lives. However, tonight I was totally in awe of God's humility. I think it's more incredible that He hides all that power in humility. If we were always seeing these big miracles it'd get old. Instead we have to look for God's hand. He hides so we can love Him more when we see Him in all the little details.

Once Fr. Dominic said "The healing of emotions isn't emotional." It's the same in my life with other things I ask God for. I prayed that I'd be able to trust people more. Do you ever pray for something and then hold your breath, look around and wait for the sudden and drastic change? haha cause I totally do that.

But no, slowly and humbly, day by day He works without me noticing. The God of the universe decides to hide and not let me see His grace working little by little. Then one day, I realize things are different. He knew all along what He was doing. But did it silently. No big show.

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I Have Decided

You know when you make a decision and then the opposite happens? Like you decide "No, I don't want to carry my umbrella today" ... and it pours. Or you decide to order the spicy chicken sandwich but then the burger looks way more appetizing? Why is that?

It's as if God decides to have some fun with you and see how you'll react. "What will be it today? Tears? Laughter? Throwing dishes?" "Will she pout like a kid or suck it up?"

Yesterday, right when I decided to be so happy about something, to be truly and peacefully content - the figurative chair was pulled from under me so I went fumbling to the ground again.

It's just so ironic I can't stand it.

I've been reading this book called the "Context of Holiness." It's about how whatever we're dealt in life is the context we have to use to become a saint. Well this is mine. I don't bounce back well. I don't like change. I sometimes have a hard time being optimistic. And figurative chairs and rugs are constantly being pulled out from under me. Not fun.

When I decide something, virtue means sticking to it when you're tested. I can still be content - just with a lot more effort. A lot.

Funny ... that's how you become a better person too. At least that's the way I've been given. What about  you?

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I Talked to Christ

I talked with Christ today. It was face to face and he looked at me with such love, and spoke with such gentleness. He said everything's fine, don't worry. He said I'm forgiven.

I mean I went to Confession today. Sacraments just leave me so speechless. How can you even describe what happens there, or how it feels? You know when you love someone and the words "I Love You" don't adequately portray everything that your heart feels? That's sort of like how I feel about the sacraments. Particularly confession today.

How do you describe the weightlessness and overflowing gratitude that Jesus offers (whenever we want it) in confession? He's right. there. The priest sits "in persona Christi" which pretty much means, he's just there and Christ speaks through him, pours grace through Him, applies the effects of His death and resurrection into my life through this old, wrinkled, hard-of-hearing man who said "yes" to God once upon a time.

Why aren't people running to this sacrament? Now I have to be honest, I drag my feet too and almost every time before I step in I have a mini freak-out and pray "Ah! Give me courage!" It's not easy telling someone all the ways you've failed. A priest recently was talking about this sacrament and said what stays in the dark can never be conquered. It can never be fixed. Like if someone is abusing you and you never tell anyone, it's going to keep happening.

That's one of the reasons why we have to confess our sins out loud to a priest, to bring everything into the light and face it instead of burying it and hiding it. When it stays inside it's just ruminating or brewing. Out loud it's over and done with - gone with the sound waves it came out on.

I'm just so thankful for being Catholic. And for grace. And Fr. Gerry.

I don't know what else to write ... speechless.


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Speechless

"Do grant, oh my God, that when my lips approach Yours to kiss You, I may taste the gall that was given to You; when my shoulders lean against Yours, make me feel Your scourging; when my flesh is united with Yours, in the Holy Eucharist, make me feel Your passion; when my head comes near Yours, make me feel Your thorns; when my heart is close to Yours, make me feel Your spear."

-   St. Gemma Galgani 

Isn't this quote such a powerful one? When I first read it I had one of those speechless moments where you shake your head and think, after the speechless/thoughtlessness is over of course, "whoooooaaaaa."

To share in the passion and death of Christ, that's what we're called to, that is our privilege. And yet, so often all I think about is myself. I want to be comfortable, to stay in bed longer, to eat good things, to not put myself in awkward positions. The last thing I want is a cross.

Let's face it, we can't really pray this prayer. We can try. But for how long can you last truly and whole-heartedly desiring those things? And if you can for a long time my next question is - are you human?

I'm so blessed by my job. I spent time today searching for quotes on the Mass and Eucharist. How many people get paid to do that? After reading all the beautiful things the saints have said I can't help but be on the verge of tears, blown away by the reality of the true presence of the Eucharist and the gift it is to receive communion every day.

I could just gush and gush about the Eucharist and if you continue to read my blog I'm sure I will.

It's an adventure, the marriage of your heart to Christ's; receiving the Eucharist is saying yes to that every day. Whether we want to or not, whether we think we can or not, union with Christ is union with the cross. There's no getting away from it, you can't opt out. It is the sacrifice of the cross repeated in a non-bloody manner as the Church says.

After reading it again, I think you can look at this prayer and see it as a prayer to feel, to really feel the cross with and for Christ. Instead of it being there and us being numb to what it means.

Being human is to bear crosses, but to feel Christ's cross with him in the Eucharist - is to feel love, sacrifice and purpose in your suffering.

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Good, better, best

How am I worthy of the way people love me? Can I ever truly be worthy, or thankful enough? My room-mate brought me these roses tonight along with a pint of ice cream. And what did I do to deserve them? Oh just fall apart, that's all. I was a mess.

Today was turning out to be so great, I really felt like I was managing to bring joy to a lot of people around me. I made an extra effort at work to be amiable and approachable and loving. We packed LS boxes and I stood for hours outside in the heat, and I hardly complained. I'm not trying to make myself look good, just trying to point out that it was a good day because I was really not focused on myself and I was ok enough inside to be outwardly giving to those around me. (which ideally I would be that way all the time - not so easy)

And I even was affirmed today at work on my writing skills, which is one of my top love languages so that was great.

Then I get in my car to drive home and it's shaking worse than a vibrating chair. I couldn't believe my luck since I just put a lot of money into it a couple weeks ago. I was afraid it was going to explode in the couple minutes it takes me to drive home. I was miserable. I am facing debt, a ministry salary and now a broken down old car which I'm sick and tired of putting money into.

Plenty of sobbing and cursing (yes, when I'm angry I'll curse, I'm sorry, I'm working on it. Not a saint yet.) later I'm given these flowers to make things better - the best really.

How do I look at that episode and be thankful for it? How do you say, "wow, this sucks, but thanks God for giving me struggles, thanks for allowing me to feel alone and low. Thanks for the cross tailored to my shoulders."

I wish I could've said that. Instead I sounded something like, "THANKS. This day was just too good huh? that you had to go and bring me down, let's not let Christina be too happy for too long, oh noooo."

Again, if you thought I was holy, illusion busted. I'm real with God, and we work from there.

Humility is the only way to see all this. My life is not my own. Whatever happens isn't up to me, the only thing I can do is make the best of what comes and give it all over to God. No matter how bad my day, or how unworthy I am of someone's love, it's all His and he makes good.

So really, when I was affirmed at work - only the good part of my day because it was self-promoting.

The car  -an even better part of the day because I had to throw myself into Christ's arms and trust we're under the cross together.

And the best? The love of friends which is the embodiment of Christ's merciful, forgiving and unconditional love.

Such an emotional roller coaster - I am a woman after all.




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Dust on the Monstrance

I noticed there's dust on the monstrance. 

A fly keeps obnoxiously buzzing around, sometimes landing on the altar cloth that was washed...oh wait...a year ago. There are papers rustling and a mower pelting grass and pebbles at the windows. So much for revered silence. This doesn't resemble Heaven. That's where you belong God; not here. This isn't what you deserve. Plopped among unworthiness, surrounded by hypocrites who can't even concentrate on their God before them. What time is it? I have work to do. The phone keeps ringing. The demands never end. I know you're outside of it, but time doesn't stop here, God. 


Someone lets out a soft snore in the corner. Another sneezes. Probably from the dust. This isn't marvelous. It isn't glorious. I'm shaking my head at you, God. Where's your glory? Why do you deign to descend here? If I close my eyes...will that help? If I try to feel you, will I experience your glory? Maybe if I weren't next to him - he smells like sweat. It's his fault. 

But you chose this. You who are madly in love with your creation, with each of us....with the fly. Searching for you we give you praise. Unseen angels making up for our inadequate worship. You smile on the snore-er, while I judge. Heaven is different, yes...but I'm not there. And you want to be with me. Fr. Dan said I would fall over if I saw your glory. I would be immobilized. So for me, you hide and I have to take the leap of faith- pushing my boundaries to see the unseen behind that bread. 


“Look harder” you say. “My glory is in everything.” This is your heaven- our hearts. The undeserving hold more of your love. I'm starting to understand...It's that you're here despite the mundane, the messy, and the mediocre. Your glory sanctifies. Your glory overlooks. Your glory is in being humbled. Your glory is in making sure that I saw these things. Your glory is even in the things that bother me. 

I noticed there's dust on the monstrance.Pin It